


at last can grant a name

by sincerelysamedt



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Pining, can you pine for someone while sharing a room with them, gon trying to control puberty and kinda failing, post-reunion, the answer is of course duh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24880792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sincerelysamedt/pseuds/sincerelysamedt
Summary: There's an invisible line drawn in the middle of their shared inn room, with Killua on the other side.He knows better than to cross it.Or, Gon on self-control.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 33
Kudos: 322





	at last can grant a name

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from "Sunlight" by Hozier.

There's an invisible line drawn in the middle of their shared inn room, with Killua on the other side.

He knows better than to cross it, that there are some things to let be, some things that cannot be taken or risk losing everything else and die trying. Some things to be held sacred.

He's selfish, though. He doesn't mean to be but he knows he can be incredibly, near unforgivably, selfish.

(There's an invisible line drawn in the middle of their shared inn room; thick like a wall drawn vividly in permanent ink, flimsy like a stick dragged through the sand near the sea, and Gon wants to ruin it with his own bare hands.)

Killua is sprawled on his stomach on his unmade bed, with three times as many pillows around him than the room had on their first night in. Flipping through one comic book out of a stack on the nightstand beside him, he looks like a particularly comfortable cat or a particularly indifferent prince. Sunlight tiptoes in from the half-open windows, dancing on Killua's soft worn sweater, the skin his boxers leave exposed and vulnerable.

He isn't exactly sure when the quiet between them suddenly didn't feel like enough, the childlike childhood contentment of sharing a space with his best friend now edged with something unfamiliar and intense. Gon had always known he would always want Killua, wherever they would have ended up and whatever came their way it would always be _Killua, it has to be Killua_ , but wanting Killua has never felt this _sharp_ before.

He grits his teeth and he swears he's biting on starlight.

(There are lines Gon now knows years later that should not be pushed, something to forego in exchange for keeping what you already have, be grateful, boy, be _content_.

But contentment would not have gotten him his _Nen_ back.)

He knows better now than to take what has not been offered; and even if it is, to take only enough and no more, no more, do not be greedy.

It is very difficult not to be greedy with Killua, though.

Brilliant, incredible Killua who can do things no one else can do. Strong, resilient Killua who has endured far more than anyone should be capable of. Brave, selfless Killua who gives and gives and gives while he deprives himself.

Perfect, lovely Killua spread on clean crisp sheets, unbothered and untouchable while Gon burns.

It would be easier to get out of his bed and step over, cross the line from his side of the room to Killua's and _take._ He wonders if he was younger when he first felt the now familiar pulse of _want_ , when he was as thoughtless as he was between twelve and fourteen, would he have by now instead of ruminating, contemplating, _should I no I shouldn't I shouldn't,_ hesitating while his fingers curl into white sheets instead of silver hair.

But he _is_ older now, just as impulsive but not as reckless with the things that could kill him, and he knows _better_ now. He knows he should be thankful, grateful to even be allowed this much, allowed to come back and allowed to _stay_ , to share the same space and air as Killua again after everything that has happened, even if he craves more proximity and more than just proximity.

Because it has never mattered if it were miles or continents or inches, any distance from Killua has always been unacceptable. It is Killua. It will always have to be Killua.

_Until that night in East Gorteau, right?_

"You're thinking really loud. It's weird."

They stare at each other for a long moment, Gon swears there are silverfish hiding behind the stars in Killua's eyes, he's certain of that.

Killua raises one eyebrow in the way he does when he's asking and will not take bullshit for an answer.

Gon could tell him several things. Like, _I miss you_ , which he did when they saw each other again seven months ago and decided that they would try again, or _I'm sorry,_ which he has said in-between hunts and over dinners until Killua smacked him for apologizing too much. He could tell Killua _the remake of that comic is better_ just to rile him up, or _that series has a show now, wanna watch it?_ just so they could make a nest of shared pillows and sheets on the floor between their beds while they do. Maybe if he's lucky, his sheets will smell like the lilac shampoo Alluka bought for her brother.

He could tell Killua _don't look at me like that, I might kiss you._ He could tell Killua _I love you, I wish I knew sooner._

Instead, he tells Killua, "It's cold."

And Killua, ever indulgent, ever generous, blinks and wordlessly turns over on his bed, leaving just enough space for another body beside him.

And Gon, ever selfish, ever greedy, crosses the line.

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this before but I wasn't quite satisfied with it back then. Still not until now but it's a bit better? Please enjoy. :)


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